I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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