If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
