Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Randomize
