nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
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Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
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I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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