she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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