PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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