Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
