Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
