I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
