I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
