I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
