the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
