I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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