I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
