So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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