i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
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Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
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the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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