she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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