I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
