i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
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He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
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So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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