Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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