Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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