Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
