We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
