Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
