I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
