y did u give ur computer a hand job?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My vagina is officially offended.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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