If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
