I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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