Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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