he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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