Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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