I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
