Little spoons don't ask big questions
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
