Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
