Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
