boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
