What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
