Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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