No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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