Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
