Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
