Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We have started to decorate penises.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
