I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
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And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
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I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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