This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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