Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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