i just wanna soil my oats bro
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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