so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
