My liver just broke up with me...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
