do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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