miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
