Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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