Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
