Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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