She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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