You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
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But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
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Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
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