Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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