Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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