I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
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you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
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Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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