We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Why can't burritos get me drunk
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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